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Last Night in Illinois (217)

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My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.

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(217): My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building. http://tfl.nu/he38

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I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.

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(217): I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it. http://tfl.nu/a4xo

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Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?

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(217): Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people? http://tfl.nu/sask

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i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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(217): i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood. http://tfl.nu/a0o1

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you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...

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please don't ever take me to a strip club again...

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(217): you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals... (1-217): please don't ever take me to a strip club again... http://tfl.nu/2ds8

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Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

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I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

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(314): Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos? (217): I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd. http://tfl.nu/vu96

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So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.

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(217): So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world. http://tfl.nu/kbv9

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i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.

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(217): i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan. http://tfl.nu/dige

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It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.

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(217): It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way. http://tfl.nu/sqy6

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he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.

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(217): he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit. http://tfl.nu/3nc6

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I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...

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(217): I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony... http://tfl.nu/w96r

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Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

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Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(217): Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me? (1-217): Vomiting outside the employee entrance http://tfl.nu/gco9

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She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell

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(217): She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell http://tfl.nu/6kpc

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how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?

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(217): how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you? http://tfl.nu/250l

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Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

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(217): Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop http://tfl.nu/m1fy

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Last Night in Illinois (217)

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