I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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