I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm in love with you.
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?