I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this