Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.