you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We need to rekindle our bromance
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
