He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.