I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
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I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
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But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.