Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me