Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
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I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
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I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing