Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing