I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
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Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.