10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.