I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.