This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
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I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
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Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.