You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.