The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?