Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.