We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.