It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around