Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
All the doctor said was why
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.