She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"