I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic