I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
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So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
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the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic