the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How external is "for external use only"?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.