I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.