I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking