I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
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Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
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Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.