I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis