Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
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It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
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Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.