If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
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In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
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I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.