I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.