My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes