Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.