My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
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Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?