Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
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Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
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Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?