They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
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I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
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Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.