Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
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What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.