that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard