I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!