I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.