Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally