Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
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You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
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Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT