I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees