I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time