You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
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I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.