I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.