Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.