You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months