you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Drunk is a universal language darling
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect