Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (720)

Last Night in Colorado (720)

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You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.

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(720): You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work. http://tfl.nu/msxy

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Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole

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(720): Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole http://tfl.nu/mr1r

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What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...

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(720): What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book... http://tfl.nu/q46p

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Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?

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(720): Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay? http://tfl.nu/yxii

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Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat

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(720): Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat http://tfl.nu/h23q

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Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...

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(720): Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire... http://tfl.nu/8q2n

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My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future

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(720): My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future http://tfl.nu/mos1

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His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.

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I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.

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(720): His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home. (1-720): I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that. http://tfl.nu/5b3q

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I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.

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(720): I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry. http://tfl.nu/lrky

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I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.

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(720): I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer. http://tfl.nu/osbe

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Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.

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(720): Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up. http://tfl.nu/96a6

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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.

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(720): The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby. http://tfl.nu/rm20

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Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...

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God works in mysterious ways my friend.

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(720): Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday... (303): God works in mysterious ways my friend. http://tfl.nu/qprf

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We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.

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(720): We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out. http://tfl.nu/ioyx

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I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is

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(720): I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is http://tfl.nu/velj

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Last Night in Colorado (720)

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