You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
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I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
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The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.