My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
last night I used snow as a chaser
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.