I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs