I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."