I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.