Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.