I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"