I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"