I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.