I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
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The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.