New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.