Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
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LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.