I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to