Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"