Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.