Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
They took my balls.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.