Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave