My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came