I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas