But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think