My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence