I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard