But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think