He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?