Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.