i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
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Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"