i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"