WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS