there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
