Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.