HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!